Brutally Honest
I have just about reached month three of my study abroad adventure and for my very few avid readers or those just stopping by I want to be honest with you. I want to be honest with how I am doing, with how I have been feeling. Studying abroad is one of the loneliest things I have ever done and there have been a few days when it has taken it's toll on me.
I have spent my whole life in one community and I've never left it for more than at most 3 months at a time. My time away was short, there was always an end that quickly came into view. But now I am away, and the end is still a long ways off. I left my community, my family, and my friends. I left all of the people that are my support system and yes they still support me, but they aren't here. I don't have my friends here where I can just go and eat lunch with them, I don't have some one that I can just call up to hang out.
And yes I understand that I just have to go out and make friends and I'm doing that, I'm trying. I promise I really am. But at the same moment I am a deeply rooted introvert and it takes me awhile to build a friendship, it's just a process for me. So by now being 3 months in I can safely say I have one friend I can call up to go to lunch which is really all I need. But before I met this friend I didn't really have anyone. I don't really mesh well with the other study abroad students because most of the time the stereotypes are true and they just want to spend their nights at parties. Again. Introvert. I party like a grandma and I'm done by midnight at the latest.
About a month ago their came a day where I almost resented myself for being an introvert, for being who I am. It was a short lived moment, but in this moment I wondered the worst thing of all, I wondered 'Who was I to ever believe that I could be the kind of person who could do this.' I wondered, who was I to believe that I could be the girl who studied abroad, to be the girl who was fluent in another language, to be the girl that could travel the world. Anyways, I am just some shy, introverted girl who doesn't have that many friends and should stick to finding adventure in the pages of a book.
That moment and those thoughts shook me, they rattled me at my core and left me in disbelief because they were right. All of my thoughts left out two key details though that came charging towards me like an angry bull. I am stubborn and I am determined. And between my stubbornness and determination I allowed myself to think that I am exactly the kind of person who can travel and study abroad. I am content with exploring the streets of a city alone. I will eat a whole pizza by myself for lunch and eating a local sweet for dessert. I am who I am, and I am always enough. Besides, there are beautiful things to see in every city.
A lot of beauty can be found when walking the city streets.
All of my self-doubt was transformed into shear determination, because just like you, I am the kind of person who can travel the world. I have a few days that are lonely, but that's okay. I still have my friends back home to talk to 24/7 and I am on my way to having a close friend here. I am okay with being alone most days. I will not lose who I am in order to gain friends. I will let my doubt become my determination because one day I am going to return home and I am going to have memories that will last until the end of time and in the meantime I will enjoy every beautiful view or laugh at the horse waiting for the light to turn green.
T-minus 74 days (And no this isn't a count down to when I return, it's for something even better)
I have spent my whole life in one community and I've never left it for more than at most 3 months at a time. My time away was short, there was always an end that quickly came into view. But now I am away, and the end is still a long ways off. I left my community, my family, and my friends. I left all of the people that are my support system and yes they still support me, but they aren't here. I don't have my friends here where I can just go and eat lunch with them, I don't have some one that I can just call up to hang out.
And yes I understand that I just have to go out and make friends and I'm doing that, I'm trying. I promise I really am. But at the same moment I am a deeply rooted introvert and it takes me awhile to build a friendship, it's just a process for me. So by now being 3 months in I can safely say I have one friend I can call up to go to lunch which is really all I need. But before I met this friend I didn't really have anyone. I don't really mesh well with the other study abroad students because most of the time the stereotypes are true and they just want to spend their nights at parties. Again. Introvert. I party like a grandma and I'm done by midnight at the latest.
About a month ago their came a day where I almost resented myself for being an introvert, for being who I am. It was a short lived moment, but in this moment I wondered the worst thing of all, I wondered 'Who was I to ever believe that I could be the kind of person who could do this.' I wondered, who was I to believe that I could be the girl who studied abroad, to be the girl who was fluent in another language, to be the girl that could travel the world. Anyways, I am just some shy, introverted girl who doesn't have that many friends and should stick to finding adventure in the pages of a book.
That moment and those thoughts shook me, they rattled me at my core and left me in disbelief because they were right. All of my thoughts left out two key details though that came charging towards me like an angry bull. I am stubborn and I am determined. And between my stubbornness and determination I allowed myself to think that I am exactly the kind of person who can travel and study abroad. I am content with exploring the streets of a city alone. I will eat a whole pizza by myself for lunch and eating a local sweet for dessert. I am who I am, and I am always enough. Besides, there are beautiful things to see in every city.
A lot of beauty can be found when walking the city streets.
All of my self-doubt was transformed into shear determination, because just like you, I am the kind of person who can travel the world. I have a few days that are lonely, but that's okay. I still have my friends back home to talk to 24/7 and I am on my way to having a close friend here. I am okay with being alone most days. I will not lose who I am in order to gain friends. I will let my doubt become my determination because one day I am going to return home and I am going to have memories that will last until the end of time and in the meantime I will enjoy every beautiful view or laugh at the horse waiting for the light to turn green.
T-minus 74 days (And no this isn't a count down to when I return, it's for something even better)
Comments
Post a Comment